## The acorn

Q. What did the mathematical acorn say when it grew up?
A. Gee I'm a tree (Geometry).

## Halloween

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

## Mathematicians at the beach

Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun

## Zero said to eight

Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt!

## Mermaid

Q: What does the little mermaid wear?
A: An algae-bra.

## Fear of a Number

Q. Why is the number six scared of seven?
A. Because seven eight nine (7 ate 9)!

## Crushed Angle

Q. What do you call a crushed angle?

A. A rectangle!

## Dog with a bad foot

Q. Why is a dog with a bad foot like adding 6 and 7? A. Because he puts down three and carries the one.

## Misers

Q. Why are misers good Maths Teachers? A. Because they know how to make every penny count!.

## Powers

Q. Why are powers like fish? A. Because they're all indices (in the seas!)

## How many times?

Q: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?
A: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.

Q. Why did the Maths textbook look so sad? A. Because it had so many problems and the chemistry book had all the solutions.

## Three types of people

There are three types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't.

## Hot corner

If it is cold, go and stand in the corner, because it is 90 degrees there.

## Binary

There are 10 kinds of people in this world; those who understand binary and those who don't.

## Calculus

Try to avoid doing calculus when you are thirsty. You have heard the warning, don't drink and derive!

## Sun Circle

Q. What do you get when you take the sun and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A. Pi in the sky.

## Sailors

3.14% of Sailors are PI rates!

## High Cooking

Q. What do you call a saucepan of simmering soup on top of a mountain?
A. A high-pot-in-use!

## Algebra

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back. We don't know Y either.

## Timber

Q. Why did the (x2+1) tree fall over?
A. Because it had no real roots!

## Topics

I will do algebra, I'll do trigonometry and I'll even do statistics but geometry and graphing is where I draw the line!

## Calendars

Calendars, their days are numbered.

## Delicious

The following sign appeared on an episode of the Simpsons.

## No Comprende

I don't understand how to double 2n. It sounds 4n to me.

## Big Dinner

What did the Mathematician say after eating a very large dinner?

## Glasses improve vision

Always wear glasses to Maths lessons. They help with division!

## Graph paper

I see you have graph paper. You must be plotting something!

## Angle talk

Q. What did the complementary angle say to the acute angle?
A. You are looking nice today.

## Number Bases

Why did the mathematician think that Halloween was the same as Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

## Two hundred and eighty eight

I could tell you a joke about 288… But I won’t as it’s two gross!

## Round Table

Q. Which one of King Arthur's knights built the round table?
A. Sir Cumference.

## Negatives

I am terrified of negative numbers. I will stop at nothing to avoid them!

## Can't Keep Still

What do you call a number that can’t keep still? A: A roamin’ numeral.

## I Love Maths

I love Maths but what seems odd to me are integers not divisible by two.

## Pi-rates

Did you know that you can buy numbers but the most expensive is π.
Buying π in Jamaica costs £3.14
Buying π in St Kitts costs £3.07
These are the π rates of the Caribbean!

Sanjeev,

Thursday, March 13, 2014

"I had an argument with a ninety degree angle. It turns out it was right!"

Jaffa,

Monday, May 19, 2014

"Q. What is sine jerine over cosine jerine?
A. Tangerine?"

Thursday, June 5, 2014

"Son:''My Math Teacher is crazy''.
Mother:'' Why??
Son:Yesterday she told us that 5 is 4+1;today she is telling us that 5 is 3+2 !!"

Joey, Essex

Friday, June 6, 2014

"Keith: 'How many sides does a square have?'
Joey: 'Six'
Keith: 'You are an idiot! How did you figure that out?'
Joey: 'Well it has a top, a bottom, a left side, a right side, an inside and an outside!'."

Isoball, Mawiner

Monday, June 23, 2014

"Knock knock,
Who's there?
Canoe,
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my maths?"

Josie,

Monday, July 7, 2014

"MATHS TEACHER : If a=b and b=c then a=c, now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.

STUDENT: I love you sir and you love your daughter which means I love your daughter."

Sakshi, Nanded

Friday, August 1, 2014

"Q: How can you make seven even?
A: by removing the 's'!"

John Cuthbert, YARM

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

"Can you read this : 11was1greyhnd
12was12
1211race
11112
Ans: Oneone was one greyhound
Onetwo was one too
Onetwo won one race
Oneone won one too."

John Cuthbert, YARM

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

"What is the favourite destination for Maths teachers?
Ans Tenby."

Jane, The Tower In The Garden

Thursday, January 29, 2015

"A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses and a calculator.
At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like X and Y and refer to themselves as 'unknowns;' but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle.'"

Charlie Houston, Derby

Thursday, March 26, 2015

"What happened to the plant in the maths room?
It grew square roots!"

Peter,

Thursday, July 9, 2015

"Pupil: why am I in trouble for something I did not do?
teacher: the 'something I did not do' was your homework."

MCPE Remix, MC²

Friday, July 10, 2015

"Why did all the meters run from the 1000m race?
It was a Killer Meter ar the end."

Tony, Connecticut

Saturday, October 10, 2015

"A math student went into a store and bought 2 copies of MATH FOR DUMMIES at \$16.99 each. The total was \$50."

Ava And Avril, Tralee

Friday, January 15, 2016

"Parallel lines have so much in common its a pity they'll never meet."

Biswajit, Salipur

Monday, April 11, 2016

"Einstien's wife: How am I looking?
Einstien: Reciprocal of cos c.
wife: what?
Einstien: yes.1/cos c= sec c(sexy)."

Anon,

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

"What do you call a dead parrot?
A polygon!"

Transum,

Thursday, June 2, 2016

"If the test question is three minus the square root of nine you can write down nothing but get full marks!"

Friday, September 9, 2016

"If a got 50 pence for every time I failed a maths exam I'd have about £6.30 now."

Katie, Birmingham

Thursday, March 30, 2017

"What's a maths teacher's favourite food?
Takeaway !!"

BP,

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

"Q:What do you call a shape that is out of shape?
A: Unfit."

Thursday, June 22, 2017

"A Mathematician can't remember whether he's been going out with his girlfriend for one year or two but he knows it's <3."

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

"Sheepdog: There are 40 sheep.
Farmer: I counted 36.
Sheepdog: I rounded 'em up."

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

"An opinion without 3.14159265359 is just an onion."

Shirtbox,

Sunday, July 16, 2017

"Did you know that three out of two people have trouble with fractions?"

Friday, October 13, 2017

"f(x) walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Sorry, we don't cater for functions.'"

Friday, October 13, 2017

"The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging because X was always 10."

Transum,

Sunday, December 17, 2017

"Q. What do you need to calculate the distance around a circle of sheep?
A. Shepherds’ Pi."

Anon,

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

"Teacher: What is half of 8?
Student: Miss, do you mean horizontally or vertically?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3."

Alexa, Amazon

Monday, January 29, 2018

"Did you hear about the over-educated circle? It got 360 degrees!"

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

"Q: Why didn't the two 4s want any dinner?

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

"Maths teachers are very good dancers because they have many algorithms."

Clive, Southampton

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

"If you are a mathematician you don't have to worry about constipation.
You can work it out with a pencil."

Mr Smith,

Saturday, January 26, 2019

"Be careful about dating tennis players- love means nothing to them."

Saturday, March 16, 2019

"Who were the mathematicians of the Caribbean?

Nigel, Punchline

Saturday, June 22, 2019

"When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall. That’s Horatia of 3:1."

Clive, Southampton

Thursday, August 1, 2019

"Teacher: What is the largest number?
Pupil: 999 999
Pupil: Oh, I was so close!"

Alexa,

Thursday, August 29, 2019

"What did two and eight say to five?
You are always mean to us!"

Saturday, November 16, 2019

"Binary: It's as easy as 01, 10, 11."

Sunday, December 1, 2019

"My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary."

Sunday, December 1, 2019

"Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side."

Monday, December 2, 2019

"I rushed into the local fish and chip shop and asked them what 360 times 12 was. They said they only do takeaways."

Transum,

Monday, January 27, 2020

"Are monsters good at mathematics?
Not unless you Count Dracula."

Annie, India

Friday, May 15, 2020

"Q. Why was the mathematician late for work?

A. He took the rhombus."

HoHo, School

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

"I poured root beer into a square glass. Now I just have beer."

Monday, December 7, 2020

"I left the workman with a list of jobs that needed to be done whilst I was out. When I returned I noticed he had only done jobs numbered one, three, five and seven. When I asked him why he replied "I'm an odd-job man"!"

Harrison, Merstham

Saturday, June 5, 2021

"X squared said to X cubed,"Do you believe in God?"
X cubed replied,"No, but I do believe in higher powers!"."

Transum,

Sunday, September 26, 2021

"The factory that makes metre rulers won't be making them any longer."

Morgan, Virginia

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

"A square has four 90° degree angles
90° x 4 = 360°
a circle has 360°
therefore
A square = A circle!
"

UCL Department Of Mathematics,

Wednesday, October 27, 2021

"We have lots of scary maths jokes for Halloween but we’re 2² to say them."

UCL Department Of Mathematics,

Wednesday, November 3, 2021

"Last night I dreamed that I was weightless. I was like, 0mg."

Mafia Joke, Cora De Sokk

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

"What criminal organisation specialises in numeracy?

The mathia."

Siri,

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

"What makes diced carrots mathematical?

They are a cube(d) root!"

Theodore Driggers, Theodore Driggers

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

"Q: If you have 10 chocolates and your friend asks you for 8, what do you have left?
A: 10 chocolates and 1 less friend."

Lacey Krueger, Ohio

Thursday, February 24, 2022

"Q. Why did the mathematician spill all of his food in the oven?
A The directions said, “Put it in the oven at 180 degrees.”."

QI,

Monday, February 28, 2022

"Who was the first person to put two feet on the top of Everest?

It was Radhanath Sikdar who had a special aptitude for trigonometry. Back in the 1850s he used a theodolite located 150 miles away to measure the height as being exactly 29,000 feet. He thought people would not be impressed with the accuracy of his measurement as it was a multiple of a thousand so he added two feet to make the measurement 29,002 feet. Thus he became the first person to put two feet on the top of Everest!
Quite Interesting!"

Gemma Clark, Tweet

Wednesday, March 16, 2022

"The improper fractions helpline is open 24/7."

Transum,

Wednesday, July 20, 2022

"A pizza is like a pie chart, updating in real time, showing how much pizza you have left!"

Albert,

Friday, July 22, 2022

"I had a hen that could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken :)."

Leo Walsh, Tweet

Monday, November 7, 2022

Maths jokes leave me number."

Tim Vine,

Monday, December 12, 2022

"Did you know that Nelson had five children, but only one of them was called Horatio?
That's Horatio of one to four."

Cam, Mason, Ohio

Monday, December 19, 2022

"Q: Why should you never argue with a 90 degree angle?
A: Becathey are always "RIGHT."

Chris Smith,

Sunday, March 26, 2023

"Last night I wrote mathematical stuff all over my wife as she slept. You should have seen the expression on her face when she woke up!"

Monday, June 5, 2023

"15 + 15 is thirty
And,
16 + 16 is thirty too!"

Harpreet,

Saturday, November 4, 2023

"Just reading that there’s a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by 5 million Sicillion people.
That’s the biggest number I’ve ever heard of."

Harpreet,

Friday, November 17, 2023

"People who can't tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals, are missing the point."

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