The acornQ. What did the mathematical acorn say when it grew up?

HalloweenQ: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jackolantern by its
diameter?

Mathematicians at the beachQ: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

Zero said to eightQ: What did the zero say to the eight?

TerroristNew York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass,
a protractor and a graphical calculator.

MermaidQ: What does the little mermaid wear?

FearQ. Why is the number six scared of seven?

Crushed AngleQ. What do you call a crushed angle?

No homeworkPupil: Would you punish me for something I haven't done? Teacher: Of course not. Pupil: That's good because I haven't done my homework! 
Dog with a bad footQ. Why is a dog with a bad foot like adding 6 and 7? A. Because he puts down three and carries the one. 
MisersQ. Why are misers good Maths Teachers? A. Because they know how to make every penny count!. 
PowersQ. Why are powers like fish? A. Because they're all indices (in the seas!) 
How many times?Q: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards? 
Sad TextbookQ. Why did the Maths textbook look so sad? A. Because it had so many problems and the chemistry book had all the solutions. 
Three types of peopleThere are three types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't. 
Hot cornerIf it is cold, go and stand in the corner, because it is 90 degrees there. 
BinaryThere are 10 kinds of people in this world; those who understand binary and those who don't. 
CalculusTry to avoid doing calculus when you are thirsty. You have heard the warning, don't drink and derive! 
Sun CircleQ. What do you get when you take the sun and divide its circumference by its diameter? 
Sailors3.14% of Sailors are PI rates! 
High CookingQ. What do you call a saucepan of simmering soup on top of a mountain? 
AlgebraDear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back. We don't know Y either. 
TimberQ. Why did the (x^{2}+1) tree fall over? 
TopicsI will do algebra, I'll do trigonometry and I'll even do statistics but geometry and graphing is where I draw the line! 
CalendarsCalendars, their days are numbered. 
DeliciousThe following sign appeared on an episode of the Simpsons. 
No ComprendeI don't understand how to double 2n. It sounds 4n to me. 
Big DinnerWhat did the Mathematician say after eating a very large dinner? 
Glasses improve visionAlways wear glasses to Maths lessons. They help with division! 
Graph paperI see you have graph paper. You must be plotting something! 
Angle talkQ. What did the complementary angle say to the acute angle? 
Number BasesWhy did the mathematician think that Halloween was the same as Christmas? 
Two hundred and eighty eightI could tell you a joke about 288… But I won’t as it’s two gross! 
Round TableQ. Which one of King Arthur's knights built the round table? 
NegativesI am terrified of negative numbers. I will stop at nothing to avoid them! 
Can't Keep StillWhat do you call a number that can’t keep still? A: A roamin’ numeral. 
I Love MathsI love Maths but what seems odd to me are integers not divisible by two. 
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Maths RiddlesHad enough jokes? 
Sanjeev,
Thursday, March 13, 2014
"I had an argument with a ninety degree angle. It turns out it was right!"
Jaffa,
Monday, May 19, 2014
"Q. What is sine jerine over cosine jerine?
A. Tangerine?"
Adi, Fiji
Thursday, June 5, 2014
"Son:''My Math Teacher is crazy''.
Mother:'' Why??
Son:Yesterday she told us that 5 is 4+1;today she is telling us that 5 is 3+2 !!"
Joey, Essex
Friday, June 6, 2014
"Keith: 'How many sides does a square have?'
Joey: 'Six'
Keith: 'You are an idiot! How did you figure that out?'
Joey: 'Well it has a top, a bottom, a left side, a right side, an inside and an outside!'."
Isoball, Mawiner
Monday, June 23, 2014
"Knock knock,
Who's there?
Canoe,
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my maths?"
Josie,
Monday, July 7, 2014
"MATHS TEACHER : If a=b and b=c then a=c, now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.
STUDENT: I love you sir and you love your daughter which means I love your daughter."
Sakshi, Nanded
Friday, August 1, 2014
"Q: How can you make seven even?
A: by removing the 's'!"
John Cuthbert, YARM
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
"Can you read this : 11was1greyhnd
12was12
1211race
11112
Ans: Oneone was one greyhound
Onetwo was one too
Onetwo won one race
Oneone won one too."
John Cuthbert, YARM
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
"What is the favourite destination for Maths teachers?
Ans Tenby."
Jane, The Tower In The Garden
Thursday, January 29, 2015
"A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses and a calculator.
At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist AlGebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'AlGebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like X and Y and refer to themselves as 'unknowns;' but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle.'"
Charlie Houston, Derby
Thursday, March 26, 2015
"What happened to the plant in the maths room?
It grew square roots!"
Peter,
Thursday, July 9, 2015
"Pupil: why am I in trouble for something I did not do?
teacher: the 'something I did not do' was your homework."
MCPE Remix, MC²
Friday, July 10, 2015
"Why did all the meters run from the 1000m race?
It was a Killer Meter ar the end."
Tony, Connecticut
Saturday, October 10, 2015
"A math student went into a store and bought 2 copies of MATH FOR DUMMIES at $16.99 each. The total was $50."
Ava And Avril, Tralee
Friday, January 15, 2016
"Parallel lines have so much in common its a pity they'll never meet."
Biswajit, Salipur
Monday, April 11, 2016
"Einstien's wife: How am I looking?
Einstien: Reciprocal of cos c.
wife: what?
Einstien: yes.1/cos c= sec c(sexy)."
Anon,
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
"What do you call a dead parrot?
A polygon!"
Transum,
Thursday, June 2, 2016
"If the test question is three minus the square root of nine you can write down nothing but get full marks!"
Chrissy Patterson, Twitter
Friday, September 9, 2016
"If a got 50 pence for every time I failed a maths exam I'd have about £6.30 now."
Katie, Birmingham
Thursday, March 30, 2017
"What's a maths teacher's favourite food?
Takeaway !!"
BP,
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
"Q:What do you call a shape that is out of shape?
A: Unfit."
Chris Smith, Twitter
Thursday, June 22, 2017
"A Mathematician can't remember whether he's been going out with his girlfriend for one year or two but he knows it's <3."
Science Studio, Twitter
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
"Sheepdog: There are 40 sheep.
Farmer: I counted 36.
Sheepdog: I rounded 'em up."
Emma Valerio, Twitter
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
"An opinion without 3.14159265359 is just an onion."
Shirtbox,
Sunday, July 16, 2017
"Did you know that three out of two people have trouble with fractions?"
Daniel Stevenson, Twitter
Friday, October 13, 2017
"f(x) walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Sorry, we don't cater for functions.'"
Tina Berghella, Twitter
Friday, October 13, 2017
"The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging because X was always 10."
Transum,
Sunday, December 17, 2017
"Q. What do you need to calculate the distance around a circle of sheep?
A. Shepherds’ Pi."
Anon,
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
"Teacher: What is half of 8?
Student: Miss, do you mean horizontally or vertically?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3."
Alexa, Amazon
Monday, January 29, 2018
"Did you hear about the overeducated circle? It got 360 degrees!"
@Drewfoster0, Twitter
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
"Q: Why didn't the two 4s want any dinner?
A: Because they already 8!"
Fred A Stair, Nebraska
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
"Maths teachers are very good dancers because they have many algorithms."
Clive, Southampton
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
"If you are a mathematician you don't have to worry about constipation.
You can work it out with a pencil."
Mr Smith,
Saturday, January 26, 2019
"Be careful about dating tennis players love means nothing to them."
Mwright, Capital City Academy
Saturday, March 16, 2019
"Who were the mathematicians of the Caribbean?
ANSWER: pi....rates."
Nigel, Punchline
Saturday, June 22, 2019
"When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall. That’s Horatia of 3:1."
Clive, Southampton
Thursday, August 1, 2019
"Teacher: What is the largest number?
Pupil: 999 999
Teacher: What about one million?
Pupil: Oh, I was so close!"
Alexa,
Thursday, August 29, 2019
"What did two and eight say to five?
You are always mean to us!"
Jo Morgan, Twitter
Saturday, November 16, 2019
"Binary: It's as easy as 01, 10, 11."
Souradip, India
Sunday, December 1, 2019
"My girlfriend is the square root of 100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary."
Souradip, India
Sunday, December 1, 2019
"Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side."
Tony Blackburn, BBC Radio 2
Monday, December 2, 2019
"I rushed into the local fish and chip shop and asked them what 360 times 12 was. They said they only do takeaways."
Transum,
Monday, January 27, 2020
"Are monsters good at mathematics?
Not unless you Count Dracula."
Annie, India
Friday, May 15, 2020
"Q. Why was the mathematician late for work?
A. He took the rhombus."
HoHo, School
Tuesday, June 16, 2020
"I poured root beer into a square glass. Now I just have beer."